


The Show

by mkverse



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-10
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2018-12-26 06:29:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 15,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12053271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mkverse/pseuds/mkverse
Summary: Bobby knows it's too much. He's gone too far. So he walks away from the only thing in his life that ever made sense. But the problem with dating your bandmate is that you don't actually get to walk away. You get to watch as they move on without you.





	1. Recovery

**Author's Note:**

> Flashbacks will not appear in chronological order.

_I'm sorry I let you down._

"Dude, that was fucking awesome!" Jinhwan slings himself into the seat next to him and slaps him on the back. 

"Yea, thanks." He lifts his glass in a mock toast and takes a sip, his smile not reaching his eyes.

"Man, you've got to get out of your funk. Your solo album came out, you're promoting like a rock star. Why are you acting like an ungrateful bitch." He pinches his ear and shoves him off his hunched over position. It's not really a question, he already knows what's wrong, he just won't entertain it. 

"Whatever man." 

"Get your shit together, one last wallow. Then the kids are waiting in the backroom for a celebratory photo op. Gotta see the team supporting your ass." He orders, clutching his shoulder in support and admonishment, before bouncing away back into the crowd. He stares out over the crowd, all these people that came to see him perform, or rather came to be seen, came to be trendy and in the know. Their coolness depending solely by the coolness of those around them. He thinks about what he gave up for this.

A flash of something catches his eye and his breath when he sees the familiar lazy stroll coming in. He never comes to these things. Last place on Earth he wants to be he had told him. But he can see Jaewon has a firm grip on his hand and is dragging him further into the club with Raesang pushing him forward from the back. His new trio. 

They catch each others' eyes because that's just how they work, their chemistry is instantaneous and there will never be a time when they can't just feel each others' presence. Hanbin gives him a nod, ever the professional, before Jaewon pulls him into the anonymous throng of people. Fuck. Just what he needed, a night of watching Jaewon fall even more in love and Rae hero worshipping the fuck out of Hanbin. One day Hanbin is going to move on, he's going to get over the shit he put him through and realize that there are other people out there wanting to tango with him. And Bobby's gonna have a front row seat through it all cause he chose it, he chose this for that, nothing comes without sacrifice. They both know that so well.

Draining the last of his whiskey and coke, he threads his way through people touching him and saying congrats and too many photo op requests. Gotta have proof of their coolness. He makes his way back to the private room where everyone is hanging out. Fucking Jaewon has Hanbin sitting on his lap like some prized possession, both arms wrapped around his waist, his head pressed underneath Hanbin's arm as he leans forward while talking with June.

"What, there's not enough seats back here?" Bobby asks with a clenched smile as he approaches the group. Never mind he'd had Hanbin sit this exact same way with him a thousand times, it was unnecessary and Jaewon didn't have the right to do that.

"Yea, there's one right behind you hyung if you want to sit." Hanbin tells him helpfully. He knows what he's playing at but Hanbin isn't going to change a single thing about himself to make Bobby more comfortable, not anymore. Bobby gives the eye smile that relaxes the sudden tension and sits down.

"Hyung, I heard you were on fire! But like literally, how the hell did you manage that?" Hanbin asks him, always the one to let things go. 

"You should have seen it, one of the pyrotechnics went on the fritz on stage and started a fire and Bobby cool as day gets the barman to throw him a bottle of seltzer and he shakes it up and blasts it over the flames and the rest onto the crowd. And then he tells the crowd he's sorry for being too hot without missing a beat." Jinhwan wipes the tears from his eyes as he's retelling the story while Bobby tells hims, yes, you should have been there with his eyes. Hanbin laughs and ignores the accusation in Bobby's eyes. Rae comes in juggling three drinks and plops down into the sliver of space next to Hanbin and Jaewon. Hanbin shakes his head at the offered drink but Rae whispers something in his ear, probably assuring him it's non alcoholic and Hanbin accepts it with thanks. 

"Hanbinnie, Mambinnie, Binnie-hyung! You're here, you're here! Why are you here? Are you here? Am I dreaming you up?" Chanwoo stumbles over, long gangly legs uncoordinated. Hanbin gets up immediately to help steady Chanwoo and he tilts into his arms while he grasps his face trying to look into his eyes to see if he's ok.

"Ya, how much did you drink? Hmmm? How much that you are in this state? Dreaming me up? Why, are you having a nightmare? I said two, just have two and you'll be okay!"

"Hyung, don't scold me! I don't feel so well." Chanwoo woozily buries his head into Hanbin's shoulder.

"Wait till you wake up tomorrow, then you'd rather have my scolding any day." He waves Jaewon out of his seat and steers Chanwoo down onto the couch. Chanwoo clutches at him pitifully.

"I'm glad you're here hyung. I don't like it when you're not." He pulls him down next to him and snuggles in, his giant frame dwarfing Hanbin. 

"This is scary." Hanbin pleads for help.

"Chanwoo should not be allowed to drink anymore, my savage twin disappears and I'm lonely again." June pries Chanwoo's grip off of Hanbin letting him escape and sits down in his stead, letting him rewrap his arms around him and hopes he doesn't drool, or more importantly, puke.

A staff member asks them to gather together for a photo so they crowd in around Chanwoo. Deciding to all pretend to be sleeping since they can't get Chanwoo to do anything but blearily look up, they pile haphazardly on the couch winding up a jumbled mass of legs and arms. Bobby shoves himself in next to Hanbin while June squawks in protest from being squashed. He throws himself against Hanbin's lean line and he can feel him tense at the contact. Bobby tries to remember the last time he touched him and Hanbin relaxed from it. He does a prayer pose with his eyes shut, but he can't help but open his eyes and look up at the boy next to him. Hanbin is doing the eye rolled back mouth open sleep pose, its so funny it hurts. It just hurts to look at him and he really hopes everything will be ok, that he made the right decision, that they'll get passed all this, and be, what? Best of friends? Colleagues? Teammates? Bobby rejects each one. The camera flashes and he knows the picture is going to show him staring at Hanbin but he doesn't care, for once he just doesn't give a damn. Before everyone tries to separate he catches Jaweon staring fondly at Hanbin. A knowing smirk at his silliness and a sweetness in his eyes that's been growing since the day they met. A possessive flare rears up in his stomach. Bobby wants everything from Hanbin, to be his one and only, to take up his entire world and be the only thing he ever thinks about. Problem is, he had had that already. And he'd thrown it away.


	2. Dead Wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't care what nobody say  
> The weak or the strong, who got it goin' on  
> You're dead wrong

Bobby marvels at his resiliency sometimes. It’s only been three months since everything went out of control, and he’s bounced back to leading them again like nothing has changed. He supported him through his solo and is cracking the whip on getting their choreography for their long awaited second album. He’s a little different, a bit more reserved, cautious to put himself out there, which he usually only does with strangers. As if he thinks the members’ might think less of him in some crazy way. For Bobby, he knows the members are different with him. In little ways, like Donghyuk no longer doing his Saturday morning coffee run for him, and in big ways, like Chanwoo somehow never being alone with him. It’s all well deserved though so he doesn’t hold it against them, just because they are brothers that love each other doesn’t always mean they like each other all the time. He messed up, there’s no getting around that, but he’s determined to win them over again.

Sweat drips stingingly into his eyes and he absently scrubs his face dry with the bottom of his tee. Yunhyeong is both bashful and defensive as he apologizes for his mistake as Donghyuk huffs at him from the floor. Jinhwan is grinning, while catching his breath again the mirror, pleased for once that he hadn’t made the error. From his peripheral vision, Hanbin is resetting the music with one hand and rubbing the small of his back with the other. Bobby’s body flushes hot with shame. Their youngest ambles his way over, asking something he can’t hear, his hands gently touching Hanbin’s spine. Hanbin shakes his head at his question and pushes his hands away.

“Ya, let’s stop for now.” Bobby demands roughly. Hanbin doesn’t even spare him a glance, his eyes glued to reviewing the video playback. “We just need one clean run through.” He murmurs almost absentmindedly. “Everyone is exhausted, it’s not going to get any better tonight. There's no point running everyone into the ground like this” His voice raises without him intending to, but he can’t help feel frustrated and angry that Hanbin is being stubborn and ignoring his body like this. He takes a step towards Hanbin, ready to drag him out of the studio if he had to, but June immediately steps in his way. The kid is staring at his reflection, fussing with his bangs and generally ignoring everyone but when Bobby shifts to move around him, June adjusts to block him again.

"June." Bobby warns him.

"Would you like some water, you look like you need to cool off. It's never good to start conversation in anger, wouldn't you agree _hyung_?" June says the last word sneeringly, this is as overt as any of the younger members had been about the whole thing. Out of all of them, June has been the hardest to figure out. He knows they are all disappointed in his behavior, but they rallied together to support him for his solo, were proud of his success. But he got the feeling that June was only this way because Hanbin had accepted everything and moved on. That given a choice, June would like to have more than just words with him over this. 

“We don’t have time tomorrow to finish this, a couple more run throughs and we can be done.” Jinhwan tells them softly, in that voice that meant there would be no arguing about this.

Bobby wants to scream at at all of them to STOP! Just stop everything, stop coming in between him and Hanbin, stop interfering in every little interaction. The boys have always recognized and respected that Hanbin and Bobby were just on their own wavelengths, understood and communicated with each other in a way that left them scratching their heads in bemusement. They could be rough or gentle with each other in a way that was off limits to others. Bobby could give Hanbin an admonishment and Hanbin would just nod and accept it and vice versa but they defended each other from anyone else to the death. But now, the members were treating them like Hanbin needed defending from him, needed their protection. As if...as if, they no longer trusted him to work things out with Hanbin, as if…he swallows the lump in his throat, not wanting to finish that thought. Shoving the guilt and anger down, he leans against the back wall, waiting for Hanbin to finish his review and give them their corrections. Everything’s gone all wrong and he just wants to go back to the beginning and start all over again.

_Before_

_The knot of anxiety that had been growing all morning eases the second his eyes land on the blanket lump of a person laid awkwardly on the back bench of the recording studio. Sometimes Hanbin doesn’t come home in the morning, logically Bobby knows this displeasing occurrence. But his mind still swirls with worry until he can actually see that he’s fine, tucked safely within the walls of YGE. Leaving the lights off, he makes his way over to him and gently brushes his hair out of his face._

_“Pabo, did you even wash up?” Hanbin mumbles something about the gym shower in his own defense before nuzzling more firmly against Bobby’s hand._

_“Want me to take you home?” Hanbin sighs and shakes his head before rolling over to face the wall, signaling to Bobby that he wanted to be left alone to sleep._

_There’s a tiny strip of space behind him on the bench, not big enough for anyone but Bobby can’t help but almost fall over twice trying to fit himself behind him, clinging to his shoulders to keep from rolling off. He slips one hand under his shirt to press against his chest, liking the pulse of his steady heartbeat thudding through his palm. Hanbin murmurs again and his stomach grumbles slightly at having skipped yet another meal. Bobby can feel his hip bone already going numb from being pressed into the flimsy padding of the metal bench and he knows he’ll probably wind up falling off this death trap not meant for one person to sleep on, let alone two. But there’s really no where he’d rather be than right here with him._

_He’s going to tell him soon. He’s going to tell him all the things about him that he admires and loves and keeps him awake at night. He’d spent their training years denying this attraction, chalking it up to the bonds of friendship. But he doesn’t feel for Jinhwan what he feels for Hanbin, it’s not the same in any way. He’s not sure what Hanbin feels for him. The kid is naturally clingy and affectionate to those he’s close with, but Bobby has to find out, if even there’s a chance for them, Bobby has to be brave. He presses a small kiss at the back of his neck, breathing deeply and letting the butterflies run wild at the thought that soon, very soon, he’d be able to press kisses to those lips that had featured in every fantasy he’d had since they met. Soon Hanbin would be his._


	3. Business

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's get down to business  
> I ain't got time to play around, what is this?

_this is business and this shit just isn't none of my business_

Bobby paces in the common room, worried that this is a bad idea. But it would be good to clear the air. And try to get back to...he's not sure what. This is precisely what he wanted, no distractions, no interruptions, not potential landmine of a scandal. He'd extracted himself from an overly complicated relationship and he still thinks it was the smart move. He throws himself down on the couch in disgust. So what exactly did he want from him.

Honestly, he misses him like crazy. He sees his face everyday, hears his voice, even on occasion, gets accidental contact with him, a collide of hands or brushing of knees that still sends sparks of desire through him, though they are few and far between. But it's not enough. He wants to hold him, be able to wrap himself entirely around him in a blanket of their own world hiding from all that's awful in it. Sink himself into him and just be with the one person that is, well, everything really. As much as it hurts his pride, he's also crazy proud of how skilled and talented he is, if it was anyone but Hanbin, Bobby would have hated him. This kid that works so hard cause he doesn't understand how not to and accomplishes things as effortlessly as breathing. He knows it's not effortless, he knows the cost it takes on him, but it's awe inspiring how he carries things off. But missing him was something Bobby had accepted long ago as a consequence to breaking up with him. He didn't lie to himself for one second thinking it would be easy.

Jumping up he realizes this was a bad strategy. Hanbin doesn't like conflict and would likely just flee to his room. He dashes quickly to the shared bedroom, grateful the boys had all gone for a mandatory gym training session. Hanbin and Bobby maintained their own schedule so were exempt from the forced work outs. Donghyuk and June's beds are sloppily unmade, clothes strewn about everywhere, a dichotomy to Hanbin's neat, but not overly so, side. Hanbin always makes his bed because his favorite thing when going to sleep is to crawl in and muss it up, he makes this tiniest contented sigh of happiness every time. Bobby smiles at the memory. Should he sit on the bed? No, that's a bit creepy considering they are not on the best of terms and he doesn't want to mess up his sheets. Floor? Bobby contemplates that before settling on kicking back on June's bed, it's the farthest in the room and he's still pissed at him for his behavior. 

Ok, so now he had his spot. So what was he going to say to him. 'Sorry I was a prick, I still want to be broken up but can we cuddle like we used to, and if you don't mind looking at me again like you still love me, that would be great, thanks.' Bobby does not foresee that going well. Or, 'Hanbin it was just a business decision, let me establish myself more and then we can revisit this whole I think you're my soulmate thing again later on down the road.' No, that would not go well either. He snags his phone and sees it 7:30 in the morning, he should be back from his night time studio session soon. Maybe if he goes at it from the perspective of his discomfort, Hanbin might respond ok to that. Like, 'yes, I made a horrific mistake that will never ever be repeated but it's time you got over it and we went back to how things were before we started boinking each other.' His stomach churns at the thought of going back to those wonderful, confusing days, where they played with the lines of friendship and almost lovers because they just didn't know any better. He cherishes those days, but he has no desire to relive the terror of trying to understand the sudden desire to do the bad things to your best friend. He can't remember how many times a single touch or look would inspire a pornographic dream sequence in the most embarrassing of situations. It was never cool to suddenly sport a hard on during dance practice, especially when your practice consisted of all dudes. 

He's so zoned out in thought that he doesn't even hear Hanbin come home. He startles at the sound of a drawer opening and Hanbin is chucking off his clothes in the dim light. Hanbin has one of those bodies that defies logic, proportions crazy good, long, lean lines, he's too skinny yet still looks good naked. It's the kind of body that makes you want to trace every line with your tongue, repeatedly, which he had, and it's never going to be fair how much it turns him on. Speaking of inappropriate hard ons. Bobby discretely pushes the heel of hand down on himself and than freezes. He realizes the entire scene is creepy as fuck. The curtains are drawn and no lights are on so only dim morning light filters in, Hanbin hasn't even realized he's in the room waiting of him, in the dark and he's got his hand on his cock. Ok, full stop, can't let this situation get any worse. He waits for Hanbin to pull on his sleep shirt before loudly clearing his throat and sitting upright on the bed.

"Holy fuck!" He reflexively throws his jeans at the noise, hand covering the sudden adrenaline shot to his heart rate. "Hyung? What are you doing here? Jinhwan hyung said you had schedule?" Bobby blushes at the white lie, he hadn't wanted anyone to know he was going to talk to him.

"Ahh, it was canceled so..." Bobby trails off, he had not this part through at all. "So you decided to nap on June's bed?" He asks him, tugging on a pair of sweats that Bobby knows he doesn't usually sleep in. Bobby blows out a huff of air at being caught of guard.

"Actually, I wanted to talk to you." Hanbin immediately tenses up. He was fine when they ignored everything, pretended it didn't happen, but any reference to it had him skittishly bolting for the door.

"What about?" asks Hanbin cautiously. Bobby stands up and walks over to him, pulling him by his hand to sit on his bed. 

"Hanbin, you forgive me right? You know hyung is really sorry and won't ever do that again? Like seriously Hanbin, I never wanted to hurt you, things just went out of control." Hanbin stubbornly looks down at his own hands in his lap, refusing to meet his pleading gaze. 

"I know hyung, I've forgiven you, this isn't necessary." he moves to stand up, wanting to end this conversation, but Bobby pulls him back down.

"Then if you've forgiven me, I think you are being unfair to me." Bobby blanches at the words because that's not exactly how he meant to phrase it but, too late now. Suddenly he has an angry Hanbin more than willing to stare him in the eye.

"Unfair?! How?" 

"You treat me like...like, like I'm not me. Like we aren't Bobby and B.I, like I'm just someone you work with." 

"You mean I treat like a professional, which by that way was something we agreed to after the whole mess." he grinds out through gritted teeth. 

"Yea well, I don't like it!" he insists, even though Hanbin is right, they has agreed the team comes first and they would put aside their personal drama. Bobby can visibly see all the fight of out of Hanbin as he shuts down and closes off from him.

"That's not my problem. Your baggage is none of my business anymore." 

"Of course we are each others' business, of course we are, who else would there be? Don't say ridiculous things cause you're angry, this is exactly what i mean. You say you've forgiven me, but then you say crap like that and I know you haven't." Hanbin shoots up onto his feet, putting some distance between them, his hand folded tightly across his chest as if physically trying to contain his emotions inside. Even like this, even angry and hurt and ready to punch him in the face, he's still the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. 

"I'm...doing my best Bobby. I don't know how else to be. I'm not going to tie myself into knots trying to be what you want but if there are specific things you have an issue with-" Bobby jumps up to his feet and eats up the space between him with his legs.

"That! Right there that, that considering, overly professional response. That, I'll grit my teeth and humor you so you'll stop talking about this attitude you take on with me. Like I'm something that has to be handled." He stalks him across the room as Hanbin moves back uncertainly, surprise in his eyes as he finds himself backed against the wall. 

"That, let me just say whatever I think he wants to hear so he'll shut up look." Bobby tells him, leaning in closer, his arms bracketing him in at either side. He doesn't want Hanbin to try and escape this conversation. "The way you don't even look at me but just stare right through me, like I'm vapor." He's so close he can smell the sweet scent of his favorite coffee drink on his breath. 

"What am I without you." Bobby presses his forehead close, shaking to keep himself from melting into him.

"You're a star Bobby, that's what you wanted. This is what you wanted." he tells him plainly, reminding him that he was upset about something of his own making. Bobby can only see the sweet curve of his lips, and remembers the pillow soft texture of them beneath his. And before he even realizes, he's kissing him. Hanbin lashes out immediately but he catches each arm easily and pins them against the wall, leaning his whole body into him, grinding his hips against him in a way that just felt like coming home. Christ he'd missed this. It feels so fucking glorious that he can't even think about anything other than Hanbin being exactly where he should be always. A sudden pain on his lip has him backing off and coming to his senses. Wiping his hand over the pain, his hand comes away with a smear of blood, Hanbin had bit him.

"Kinky." Bobby cocks an eyebrow and smiles before pushing in again. But Hanbin is prepared this time and shoves him a good distance back. "No, not kinky. Not fucking wanted. Bobby, don't do that shit anymore, otherwise we can't work together."

"Hanbin, you can't tell me you don't want it, I could feel you." He looks pointedly at Hanbin's lower half before meeting his gaze again.

"Jesus, you are such an insufferable prick. That's just physical you ass. I haven't gotten off in a while, anything would set me off. You do not get to fuck me over and then keep fucking me. That's off limits, we made an agreement."

"Fuck the agreement. I miss you, I miss us, Hanbin we can't keep going on like this. Maybe we could try to just be what we were without all the labels and the need to define it." Bobby snaps at him. Hanbin shakes his head in disbelief.

"Bobby, I don't know how to say this so that it's any clearer. Please listen when I say this. You didn't want me to love you, you did everything to get me to fall out of love with you. So I did. And if I wanted a fuck buddy, you'd be the last person on earth I'd go to." With that, Hanbin walks out. He slumps down against the wall wondering how things had gotten away from him again. He just wanted to talk to him, he just wanted a return to some of their affection. But his stupid mouth and his stupid hormones and Hanbin in his stupid t-shirt and sweats looking like a Christmas present wrapped specifically for him to unwrap.

He's not in love with him anymore? That was news. He feels like someone just sucker punched him in the gut and he can hardly breathe from how unprepared he was to hear this. Dropping his head in his hands, he crumbles for the first time. He feels likes he's going to choke on everything that's inside, he can't sort his thoughts or feelings any more than Hanbin can understand them.

 

* * *

 

_Before_

_"Fuck Hanbin, what the fuck was that!" Bobby whirling around in rage the second the door shuts behind them. Hanbin is slowly rubbing at his wrist where Bobby had grabbed him too tightly to drag him away from the rest of the team._

_"What was what? Hyung are you still upset?" he asks him, reaching out to comfort him. Bobby brushes him away. "You can't do this shit!" Bobby insists at him, needing Hanbin to understand. "Do what shit, be specific." his tone drops to glacier levels, his eyes cold and angry._

_"Hanbin, you know what I'm talking about, just stop it." pleadingly, Bobby tries to reach out to him this time but stops when he sees the wall of ice in his eyes. It spikes his anger all over again to see Hanbin acting this way._

_"Stop what." It's not even a question, Hanbin knows but he's not giving an inch. Bobby gapes at him, he's being difficult on purpose, he can tell, "Stop being so fucking gay!" He wants to tear his own hair out at having this argument yet again. As if H_ _anbin cannot understand how to be normal, he's too obvious with the way he touches him and looks at him and Bobby is terrified that just one more doubleb fan is somehow going to tip the scales and they'll truly be labeled as the first openly gay kpop stars in the history of ever._

_Hanbin flinches back, as if he's physically hit him, before dropping his gaze to the ground, jaw clenched as tightly as his fist. Bobby wants to drop to his knees to beg for forgiveness cause he knows he's hurt him. Like really hurt him. But at the same time, how many times could they have this same conversation? Taking a deep breath he tries again, "You're too obvious about it Hanbin. We live in a world where this kind of thing is not accepted. Why do you have to broadcast to everyone that can see that we are more than just friends? It's like you're not even making an effort to stop." He gently takes his chin and lifts him up so he can look him in the eye but immediately regrets what he finds there. There's a specific look that Hanbin gets when he's in pain, Bobby has only seen it a handful of times in the years that he's known him. And right know the shaky quality of his gaze shining bright with unshed tears is brimming full of it._

_"You mean stop being me?" he whispers out to him. Bobby pulls in close so he doesn't have to see that look that makes him want to jump off a cliff for putting it there. "Just when we are in front of the cameras, when we are in public, just then is all I'm asking for." Bobby reasons with him._

 

* * *

 

Jaewon greets the security guard at the door as he rushes inside. He had some lyrics running through his head all morning and he wants to get it down on a rough rack before he loses the feel of them. He makes his way into his recording room and stops dead to find someone hunched over his seat. 

Laughing, he pulls another seat up next to him and taps him on the head, "what, your studio for iKON and your studio at Raesung's not enough for you? You have to take mine as well? Is what's mine yours too?" he teases him affectionately. Hanbin scrubs his face on his sleeve before sitting up, pulling his cap lower over his eyes and not meeting his gaze.

"Sorry hyung, Raesung was using his and I just wanted to work alone for a bit. I'll get out of your way." Jaewon stops him with a tug to his sleeve, "hey," he leans in and looks up to try to see him under the brim of his cap, "hey, look at me, is everything ok?" "Yep, fine. Just tired, I should go home I guess." There's a raspy quality to his voice that Jaewon is willing bet has nothing to do with fatigue and he suddenly doesn't want Hanbin to go anywhere. To be fair, he always wants Hanbin around, but right now, this second, he doesn't want him to be alone. 

"No stay, we are both good at working together. I've got some lines I can run by you and you can tell me if they are complete shit or not." Hanbin discreetly wipes his eyes one more time before lifting up his hat to a more sociable angle and meeting his eyes, "sure hyung." He's been crying Jaewon thinks. He's seen Hanbin in every mood and emotion under the sun, but he's never seen him cry before. Even red rimmed and sad, he's just so fucking beautiful that he has a hard time looking away. He alternately hates that bastard that made him cry and also is slightly thankful that it drove him here with him. He knows it's no coincidence that half of the songs he's been writing have been meant for a duo, and that his catalogue of Hanbin expressions and fun facts that he's filed to memory is above and beyond a friendly relationship. That he feels giddy when he's around him, some weird contact high that puts him in the best of moods and he wants to help and protect him in any way he can, even though his opportunities to do so are rare. But he can't tell if it's a passing crush or something more. It wouldn't be right to start something otherwise.

Hanbin himself is a bit of a mystery. He's ambitious but more so about his team than himself, he's honest to the point that it can come off as thoughtless, a goofy, quirky sense of humor that reminds you that he is just a kid. But than he says something or does something that throws his firm grasp of his character right out the window. He was full of layers, and he'd yet to pull them all back. And, oh yeah, if all that didn't confound him, he was also gifted in music. He has a natural knack for rhythm and melodies and a wit to his writing that's quite rare in kpop music. Add in his ridiculous work ethic and Jaewon was man enough to say it all left him a bit in awe of his younger friend. Hence, the confusion on his part on what he actually felt for him. He hadn't even thought about what Hanbin could possibly feel for him.

"You know," Jaewon types in the password to his computer, keeping his eyes on the screen to avoid pressuring him, "you can talk to me about anything. Not just music and work, but, seriously anything." Hanbin nods slightly in acknowledgment and gives him sweet smile. It's the one that dimples on one side and means he's surprised and touched by the gesture.

"Thanks hyung, but if this is a delay tactic from showing me your lyrics cause you know they are trash, it ain't happening." His sweet smile turns into a challenging smirk and Jaewon knows he's not getting the heart to heart he offered. "Ya, kid, who taught you to be this cheeky?" scolding him, he ignores the skip of his heartbeat, when Hanbin dissolves into laughter.


	4. Deja Vu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes I feel so alone, I just don't know  
> Feels like I been down this road before  
> So lonely and cold, it's like something takes over me  
> As soon as I go home and close the door  
> Kinda feels like déjà vu  
> I want to get away from this place, I do  
> But I can't and I won't  
> Say I try, but I know that's a lie  
> 'Cause I don't  
> And why, I just don't know

"Hanbin I have feelings for you that cannot be defined as family or friends, how about we go on a date to see where this goes." Jaewon stares at his own reflection before cracking up with laughter. Damn, he thinks to himself, he really knows how to sweep 'em off their feet. 

"Hanbin, I think you and I should become a...you and I." Jaewon tries out, his eyebrows furrowed comically into a serious expression.

"So Hanbin, have you heard this thing called Wonbin?" he leers at himself, than promptly swears to never mention that name to Hanbin because that would be admitting that yes he did know that fans shipped Wonbin and sure he may have read a fanfic or two or...five about it. What could he say, the fans had some vivid imaginations, and if perhaps some of those scenarios got adopted into his spank bank, well then, no one had to be the wiser. He finishes washing his hands in the sink and dries them off. He gives his reflection a stern look. Hanbin is your junior you loser, stop being like this, he tells himself for the thousandth time, he needs you to be a good hyung, not trying to trap him into some kind of relationship. It was just a silly infatuation, Jaewon was sure he would get over it soon, any day in fact.

He intended to go back to his studio but finds himself veering off towards Rae's space. He knows Raesung is out with a vicious cold so the light he saw earlier in the day can only mean one culprit in the room. Sure enough, Hanbin in his standard issue hoodie and slouchy jeans is sprawled out across two chairs. It looks insanely uncomfortable but he's dead to the world anyway. Grabbing a blanket of the corner shelf, he shakes it out and covers him with it. When Hanbin still doesn't stir, Jaewon decides it's safe to kneel down next to him. His cheek is pressed endearingly into his own shoulder, it makes him wish Hanbin would sleep against him like this. His hair is flopped in his eyes so Jaewon gently smoothes it up and out of his face. He looks so young when he sleeps. 

What is it about this kid that he likes so much. Yes he's got admirable qualities, so do a lot of other people. He's not traditionally handsome, in fact, if you take apart all his features, he's quite strange looking. His nose is a bit too high and pronounced, his eyes, always having a sleepy quality, lips too big, ears slightly turned out. However, when you add them all up, it makes for a breathtaking picture. He trails a finger down the bridge of his nose, laughing when Hanbin twitches it in response. Hanbin settles back down when Jaewon pulls his finger away, sighing deeply and falling deeper into his dreamscape. Ten minutes, Jaewon promises himself, just ten minutes and he'll go back and get to work. Sitting down more comfortably, he draws his knees up and rests his head on them, mirroring the direction of Hanbin's face. A smile tugs at his lips while he watches him sleep wondering what sweet dreams Hanbin may be having.

 

* * *

  

_Before_

_They are waiting for their cue to go on stage. They can hear the fans singing "Long Time No See" as they wait of them to appear. Hanbin is smiling goofily at hearing them, he gets touched every time he hears fans sing their songs. Bobby creeps closer to his side, feeling the touch of his body warmth against his. He's nervous. Days had turned to weeks had turned to months of delaying his confession to Hanbin and he was going crazy at his chicken shit behavior. He'd never had this problem before. But then again, he'd never so badly feared being rejected before either. Being rejected by Hanbin would be devastating, he had no idea how he could go on if that happened. It was better that he not know Hanbin's heart than to know and be crushed by it. But staring at his dimples and the bright quality of his eyes and suddenly he couldn't wait, he had to know now._

_"Hanbin." Bobby pull this attention to him. "Yes Kimbap?" Hanbin teases, his hand fiddling with he seam of his shirt at his shoulder. Bobby flips on the microphone and screams, "Saranghayeo!" They can hear the fans go crazy, screaming for Bobby, immediately recognizing his distinct tone. Hanbin laughs at his spontaneity, while Chanwoo quietly makes gagging noises._

_"SA-RANG-HAYE!" he shouts again, gleeful at finally putting his feelings out to the universe. The fans get even louder shouting for iKON to come on stage. Hanbin shakes his head at him and turns to spot the stage director because he can no longer hear anything above the chaos from the fans. The director gives him the hold motion and Hanbin nods in response. When he turns back around, Bobby is much, much closer. Hanbin tilts his head back a bit, giving him a 'what the fuck' look._

_"I love you." Bobby says, this time with the mic no where near his mouth. And then he leans in and kisses him. Yunhyeong is clapping sarcastically in the background and Jinhwan mutters 'finally' under his breath and Bobby imagines June is rolling his eyes and he couldn't give two fucks about any of it cause he finally got the balls to own up and kissing Hanbin was amazing. His lips were softer than he had imagined them to be, especially since the remained in a soft oh of surprise. Bobby pulls himself back before he gives in to the impulse to abscond with him to someplace dark and private. Hanbin is still shocked, eyes blinking rapidly. He turns to Jinhwan which doesn't surprise Bobby, whenever Hanbin needs an reality check, he always goes to him. Jinhwan gives him a cheeky smile and a thumbs up sign. The intro music starts and a stage hand signals them to come up. Bobby watches as Hanbin shakes his head clear and goes to work mode. But not before he looks at him briefly, not quite meeting his eyes, and a shy small smile blooms on his face. And maybe they still have a million things to talk about but that smile is all Bobby really right now, may be ever. It makes him feel ten feet tall and King of the entire fucking world. Him and Hanbin, they were going to be unstoppable._

 

* * *

 

He decides he's just going to stop trying. Trying to fix things, trying to make things better, trying to figure out how to undo the damage he did, because he just keeps creating more. He's confused, fine, a little confusion never killed anyone. Sorting out his feelings is fucking impossible anyway. He'll be more disciplined, he'll stop the pity party and accept that this is the bed he set on fire and the torched remains are what he has to lie in. No problem. Lazily he kicks of his shoes and enters their home but what he is referring to in his mind as Eggshell Central because he's going to start right this second on being an easy going hyung that doesn't make Hanbin leave the room every time he comes in it. Starved he heads for the kitchen, wondering what he could eat with microwaved rice but freezes when he sees June blankly staring at a pot of water on the stove. Fuck. Well, here goes nothing.

"You know they say a watched pot never boils." Bobby says with a smile, opening the fridge and searching for something edible.

"Why do they say that?" he asks automatically. 

"Uhh...I don't know, it one of those American sayings." 

"Doesn't make sense to me." Bobby spies a pack of seasoned raw beef slices in the back and grabs it. "Score!" The taller boy glances briefly at him before clenching his jaw. "You can't have that." 

"Oh is it yours?" he looks sadly at the pack, mouth watering at the thought of eating it. 

"I bought it for Hanbin." Looking skeptical, he raises one eyebrow and asks "You bought this?" Flushing at being caught, he stammers out, "Well, er...Mom bought it but it's for Hanbin."Bobby looks at the pack, to be honest there's enough for all seven members to have a portion of it but he thinks June is just being stubborn. Easy going remember? Taking a breath, he puts a smile on his face and puts the meat back in the fridge. Digging around the tub of gochujang and kimchi he comes up with some leftover braised pork that Yunhyeong had made two nights ago. 

"You shouldn't eat that either." Bobby slams the container on the counter and glares at him. "What's wrong with eating this now?" June sniffs, turning away, pretending disinterest, "Donghyuk said he was going to finish it." Bobby very clearly remembers how Donghyuk had joked that he would be able to finish the massive amount of pork, _two nights ago_.

"Tell me June, is there anything in the house I can eat?" Bobby asks as calmly as possible. June sighs and shrugs, "Eat what you want, no one is stopping you." Bobby steps over to the stove and turns off the heat, pulling June's sleeve so that they are a few feet away from the hot pot of water. 

"Alright, Junhwe, let's do it like this. Hit me." June blanches at the command and rips his sleeve out of Bobby's grasp, "What?"

"You can hit me, as hard as you want. You get a free pass." he tells him, gesturing with his hands for him to get on with it. "You are a crazy person." June goes to push him aside, deciding to abandon his quest to make ramen in favor of going anywhere Bobby wasn't.

"Come on, I know you want to. Even if I have to go to the hospital, I won't say a word. Just do it, get your anger out. Then we can go back to our low key awkward relationship." he smiles to show him he really means it.

"No!" he shouts at him, face turning red, fists clenching at his sides.

"Why not?!" Bobby shouts back.

"Because!" Bobby can see the second the anger drains for him, June's body collapsing back to his usual slouch, "Because than I'd be no better than you." Bobby sucks in a sharp breath, the words stabbing at his heart. June blinks in that way that tells him he's unsure what to do before muttering something and retreating to his room. Bobby can't hear anything over the static that suddenly filled his senses. That wasn't fair, that wasn't right! He was not that person. He wasn't.

A touch to his arm brings him back to the present, beating back those awful memories. Jinhwan is running a soothing hand down his arm, shushing him. Bobby hadn't realized he had been crying. 

"He doesn't mean that. He's in his room right now, cursing at his stupidity for saying something like that. You know that right?" Bobby mutely nods his head, even though he really didn't have any assurance that that was true. 

"Is this, is this how they see me? Is this how you see me?" Bobby chokes out the question, dreading what the answer may be.

"No Bobby, no. Not now, not then, not ever." He says it firmly, in his soft voice, and Bobby knows that he's being truthful. "But, some of them are having a hard time understanding everything else. All the things that you put Hanbin through, before. Before that horrible night." Bobby looks at him helplessly.

"I understand why Bobby, even if I don't agree with it. Love and life are hard things to balance, but both are necessary, the effort must be made. Just give them some time, I'll talk to June. Sometimes he just has to air out all his thoughts before he can settle down to acceptance." 

"Am I a monster?" Bobby whispers out, the very question that had been plaguing him for months. 

"Oh Bobby," he crumples in Jinhwan's arms and he hugs him fiercely, "No, bunny, no. Thats wasn't your fault. That wasn't anyone's fault. Sometimes bad things just happen and there is no one to blame. Sometimes life is just cruel that way."


	5. Words are Weapons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My words are weapons  
> I use 'em to crush my opponents  
> My words are weapons  
> I never show no emotion  
> My words are weapons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was really hard to write for me. But it's kind of critical to understanding the mindset and issues that Bobby is dealing with internally that even internally he has trouble expressing. Difficult topics and language warning.

_Before_

_"Binnie, it wasn't what it looked like." Hanbin is angrily rummaging around the room, picking papers and objects up at random and slamming them back down again. "Hmm, really, what was it then?" The older boy reaches out to stop his frantic movements and pulls him in face to face. "We were just talking," he swears to him. He gets a cold look of disbelief in response, "I've heard of talking in tongues Bobby but I've never seen anyone do it like that before."_

_Bobby huffs out an air of frustration, "Everyone was watching man, it would have been weird if I didn't respond to her." It's the same argument every time, it's not about feelings or desire or cheating. It's about appearances, something Hanbin never seems to understand. "Come on Bin, don't be like this." He shakes off his grip and paces away again, "Be like what? Be like me? Don't show anything Hanbin. Don't feel anything Hanbin. Just accept everything as it is Hanbin. Just let you take everything that you want from me and push aside the rest that doesn't fit with you?"_

_"You're being dramatic, it was just a stupid kiss." Hanbin rolls his eyes and scoffs at his rationalization, "This coming from the guy that had a freakout over some dude that asked me to dance." "That dude was not just asking you to dance you naive idiot!" Bobby seethes at him. They glare at each other from across the room, the distance and difference impassable._

_Sighing, Hanbin turns away, signaling his defeat. "I just don't know what we are doing any more, it seems like you don't like a single thing bout me or being with me so...what are we doing?" Suddenly, Bobby knows he has to have him in his arms right this second, and the petty feelings of the fight disappears as he reaches for him and folds him into a tight embrace._

_"I love everything about you Hanbin, everything." he promises, each word interrupted by a soft kiss rained down on his head. Hanbin finally puts his arms back around him and lets himself be cuddled._

_"Then why do you keep asking me to change." he asks, his voice barely a whisper. But Bobby doesn't want to rehash everything all over again so he ignores it and basks in the comfort of knowing the Hanbin was over it. No matter how many times they fought, Hanbin always came back around._

* * *

 

_Before_

_"Why don't you just break up with him."_

_"Why don't you mind your own business?" An awkward pause descends and Bobby has already dismissed the question._

_"Because you're hurting him, that's why I'm not minding my business." He finally answers, he doesn't like inserting himself in other people's affairs, but the tortured look of inner turmoil he sees in Hanbin every day makes it impossible for him to stay still._

_"Chanwoo, he understands me, that's all that matters. This is what we chose when we became idols." The younger contemplates his words seriously, weighing their sincerity._

_"Just because someone understands you, doesn't mean you should take advantage of it." he tells him, before turning away and walking out. Bobby is quite stubborn in his way of thinking and he doesn't expect him to reflect immediately upon his advice. But he hopes maybe he gives it some thought later, he loves both of them and seeing them like this offends him in a way he doesn't really understand himself._

* * *

 

_Before_

_"Get off me." His voice is strong, he hadn't even gone to sleep yet. A shaking Bobby crawls off his form and he kneels down next to him. "Please Hanbin, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Forgive me, please forgive me. I can't without you, you have to forgive me."_

_"You're sorry, you're always sorry. And I always forgive you. How many more times are we going to do this before it loses any meaning, hm? Or has it already? " He shifts to look at him and Bobby can see the dark spots of damp on his pillow from where he was crying and it makes him cry and shake even harder._

_"One more time, forgive me one more time. Just this once more. I was drunk, I didn't know what I was doing. I feel sick about it Hanbin, please, I'm sorry." He can't even look him in the eye because the look of disappointment and resignation on his face makes Bobby want to die with shame._

_"What does it matter Bobby, it's the same story, it never changes." Hanbin turns over away from him, pulling up the blanket. Bobby knows he should give him some time, let him get over it and move on from there but there's something telling him that he can't let go of him right now. That he has to hold on to him with both hands cause Hanbin isn't even going to try anymore._

_"Can I sleep here?" Bobby asks tentatively, Hanbin is always much happier and pliant after a night of being held. The silence drags on for so long that Bobby thinks maybe he didn't even hear him. Reaching for the blanket to climb under it, Hanbin's voice stops him. "Shower first, you don't smell like yourself." A wave of intense embarrassment mixed with relief rushes through him, knowing that Hanbin has forgiven him his transgression, and his tears finally stop their free fall down his face. But even after the blazing hot shower and the happy hum of contentment as he spoons in behind Hanbin, he still feels aftershocks of tremors in his body, like he had just escaped the total collapse of his life, but the threat was still lingering on. Which was just silly, everything was fine, him and Hanbin could get through anything together._

* * *

 

_Before_

_"God loves all his children. Even those that have done the unforgivable because it is not the person that is unforgivable, it is sin. Sin is a sickness, it is a living, breathing power that infects the bodies of God fearing Christians. Corrupts and taints what they know to be true and righteous. These deadly sins will poison you from the inside out. We should not turn away from our brothers and sisters struggling with sin but rather reach out and help them cure themselves. You see in the news, how they pitch Christians against homosexual rights. As if we are oppressing their rights as citizens of God and I say no, I say never. We have never and will never turn away from any person created in God's image. No, rather it is our Christian responsibility to cure their physical form of the infectious sin of homosexuality. We have proven, they can be cured, we have proven they can be brought back to God's grace and light. Do not shun them like sinners. We must embrace them and we must, with God's benevolence, cleanse them of their sin. Fear not what you do not understand, rather understand that sin comes in many forms and we must recognize and annihilate it's presence when we see it." -Pastor Kim Ho Min_

* * *

 

_Before_

_"Bobby, I just can't take this anymore."_

_"Come on, don't make such a big deal."_

_"No Bobby, this is it. You win. I've had enough." Hanbin throws his hands up in a defeated gesture and walks right out the door. He was really the most ridiculous person._

_"What do you mean you've had enough?" Bobby follows him out, pulling him away from repeatedly stabbing the elevator call button._

_"I mean it! We are done! You were right Bobby, I don't have it in me to do it anymore. I just can't give any more fucks about this entire fucking travesty of a relationship!"_

_"Are you fucking kidding me? You are the one that makes everything so difficult and hard. Like how dumb are you really that you don't understand to keep your fucking hands to yourself in public?" Hanbin pushes him back out of his face and heads for the exit to the stairwell._

_"Seriously Hanbin, the majority of our problems come from your inability to not be so obvious that you're queer." Bobby insists, following closely behind him. Hanbin rounds on him with a quick turn, "Newsflash Bobby, I am queer and so are you, no matter how much you want to deny it."_

_"Oh fuck off. I'm not queer. You would shake your ass for anything with a pair of balls. Just because I love you doesn't make me a fag, I'm nothing like you!" Hanbin blanches at his disgusting words but the rage quickly comes flooding back._

_"Oh that's right, you're the good Christian boy that fucks a girl every month just to let the world know that just because you like to suck my cock, doesn't make you gay. Like you can fuck the gayness right out of you huh? Well guess what Bobby, you're body has nothing to do with it. What ever gender you fuck or don't fuck doesn't make one damn bit of difference." Hanbin taps a finger against the side of his head, "It's here," then he taps over his heart, "and here. It's not the body, it's who you are, and I finally understand now that you don't hate me. You don't hate my gayness, or how much I express my love for you. You hate yourself, and all this shit has been nothing but you trying to punish yourself, to change yourself. And this voluntary position of being your whipping boy by proxy is done." Bobby advances slowly on him, making Hanbin take hesitant steps backwards._

_"My what? My whipping boy? Are you fucking kidding me? I've turned myself inside out trying to keep you happy and you have the fucking nerve to say that to me?" he shoves him back, unable to believe that crap that's coming out of his mouth._

_"Who the fuck are you to say, what? I hate myself? Naw dude, I'm fucking awesome, just because you want to be a nihilist snowflake doesn't make me a bad person. I'm a good person, I'm a good fucking Christian and I'm sick of trying to make you one too." He blindly shoves him again, wanting to just tear him a part for all the things he said. Who the fuck was he to judge him? Hanbin stumbles back, he sees a flash of panic on his face, and then he starts falling backwards. Bobby instinctively grabs for him, but the tips of his fingers barely graze the front of his shirt before he's gone. Bobby doesn't understand what he's seeing. One second they were arguing and the next Hanbin's body is twisted in awkward angles at the bottom of the stairwell._

_He flings himself down after him. "Baby, baby, talk to me. Tell me you're ok." he begs him, unsure of whether or not he's supposed to touch him or not. "Fuck you Hanbin, don't do this shit to me. Talk to me, wake up honey, open your eyes." Panic overtakes rational thought and he gathers his body in his arms and cradles his face gently in his hands. "Please, my love. My darling boy, wake up for me."_


	6. The Monster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Abused ink, used it as a tool when I blew steam  
> Hit the lottery, oh wee  
> With what I gave up to get was bittersweet  
> With this like winning a huge meet

 

* * *

"Hungggrrryyy!" Jaewon spins idly in his chair, head thrown back dramatically. The person who's attention he seeks rolls his eyes.

"I'm so hungry Hanbin, I"m going to die all because you won't feed me. Hungry, hungry hungry!" 

"Oh my god, fine! I'm never going to finish this with you making all that racket. What do you want hm? I'll get you anything from the convenience store." Gleefully, Jaewon pops out of his chair and pulls Hanbin up with him. 

"I have a place in mind. Let's go, let's go." Hanbin struggles, to stop his momentum long enough to hit save with the keyboard and then let's himself be frog marched out the door, "Geez hung, where's the fire?" Hanbin tunes out while following Jaewon around the neighborhood, he doesn't really care where they are going. Soon, he finds himself ducking into a quaint mom and pop shop that's filled with a surprising number of people considering it 3 o' something in the morning. 

He pulls out a chair for him with a flourish without really thinking about it, but Hanbin just gives him a weird look and flops down in the opposite chair. “You’re being weird Jaewonie.” He yawns wide and long not caring how foolish he looks while Jaewon sheepishly sits down as well.

“Ah, am I?” He feels the tips of his ears grow warm at his own impulsiveness. “Yea, but I like weird hyung, that’s why we get along so well.” Hanbin gives him a bright cheesy grin that melts away all the wrong-footed feelings.

An older woman comes and efficiently lays down a variety of side dishes and a jug of cold tea and bustles away again. “We don’t order?” Hanbin asks, confused at the missed step. “This place only does soft tofu soup, but it’s the best I’ve ever had.” Hanbin hums in response already distracted by pings from his phone. He wants to ask who’s messaging him at this hour but bites his tongue from intruding. Hanbin is sticking his tongue out of the corner of his mouth with a look of concentration as he types a response with the tips of his fingers peeking out from his oversize hoodie. It’s so charming Jaewon can’t even feel irritated for being neglected. Stretching his legs out, he bumps into one of Hanbin’s and brackets it between his own. Hanbin automatically presses against the contact, not even registering he’s doing it. A rush of warmth floods through him as he looks at this odd kid that he finds so fascinating. Ok, so maybe this crush wasn’t going to go away any time soon, but he really had no idea how Hanbin would react if he confessed to him. Losing him would crush him.

The same lady comes back with her tightly curled hair and no nonsense expression placing stone pots still bubbling hot onto their table. Jaewon takes an egg from the bowl and cracks one into Hanbin’s bowl and one into his own, taking Hanbin’s spoon away and hitting him with it when he goes to dig in. “It’s too hot dummy, wait a few minutes.” Hanbin shrugs and sits back petulantly.

“Hyung, when are you releasing again?” Hanbin asks him, twisting a napkin between his fingers. “Who knows, maybe December.” Jaewon nervously snags a piece of kimchi with his chopsticks and crunches on it. “Actually Hanbin, that’s something I wanted to talk to you about.” Jaewon clears the sudden lump in his throat and forges ahead. “I spoke with sajangnim about having someone feature on one of the songs.”

“Oh, who are you thinking of? Hmm…who would match well with you?” Hanbin ponders seriously for a moment. “I asked for you and he agreed.”

“Me?” he asks him, shocked. “Yes you, don’t look so astonished. I wanted to know if you would do it?”

“Do you have a song in mind?” He can tell Hanbin is mentally running through the catalogue of songs he’s heard from him to see what he could fit into.

“I want us to write one, from scratch, together, I think it will sound the most natural that way.” Hanbin snaps his fingers and points to him, “It’s a deal!” He nods coolly in response but inside he feels like he just got off a rollercoaster and the swooping sensation is lingering in his belly. Not that he thought Hanbin would turn him down, but there was always a possibility that he would be too busy or would think they don’t match well.

Hanbin chuckles softly when he looks at him and reaches one hand out to his face. He falters halfway there, eyes darting quickly around before dropping his hand away.

“You’ve got some food there.” He tells him.

“Oh, where?”

“On your lip.”

Jaewon leans in closer to him, “Well, get it for me.” Hanbin looks startled but reaches for a napkin and hastily wipes his lips off while grumbling, “Aren’t you worried?” Jaewon snags his wrist before he can pull away again. “Worried about what?” The kid slumps further down his seat, “That someone will see?”

“Should I worry about that?” Jaewon asks, puzzled by Hanbin’s sudden skinship shyness. The iKON leader is notorious for his level of skinship.

“Some people do.” Hanbin mumbles again trying to tug his hand back. Jaewon grins cheesily at him before planting a swift kiss on his wrist and letting go. Hanbin blushes furiously and rubs his wrist nervously.

Jaewon widens his eyes comically, looking around expectantly with a dramatic pause. “See, the world didn’t end.”

"Why'd you do that?" Hanbin blinks widely at him. "Because I like you." Jaewon chuckles soft and slow at his blushing and bemused expression and stuffs a piece of rice cake in his mouth to distract him. Jaewon worries he's pushed too fast when Hanbin is quiet for the rest of the meal but when he nudges his foot between his, trapping and pressing their legs close, Hanbin doesn't move away.

* * *

 

He wakes up in cold sweats and flashes of that night will replay like a song that he can't get out of his head. Shaking Jinhwan off as the lights go round round with their danger signal. Running, running, running towards the only safe haven he knows, the only place he knows where miracles comes true. Collapsing on his knees in the very spot where he takes communion to beg for absolution. He doesn't like to think about that day. He's never really even tried to piece together the whole story. It's all a vague memory of someone else's life. 

Dragging himself out of bed, he tosses on a t-shirt to help the chill on his damp skin and stumbles out of his room. Mid yawn he freezes to find Hanbin staring blankly at the open fridge. He shakes himself off, reminding himself to be nice.

"Hungry? Want me to make you something?" He startles at the sound of his voice, flicking his eyes to his direction before scattering away again.

"Ah, morning hyung. No I'm okay, I ate already." He grabs a bottle of apple juice and steps out of the way. Bobby hums in disapproval and rolls his eyes, moving into his vacated space to get the milk out of the fridge. 

"You have to stop eating at that convenience store, it's not good for you."

"I didn't hyung," Hanbin protests immediately, "I had a good meal today." He chuckles softly to himself at a private thought, the tips of his ears turning a charming pink. His sweet expression makes Bobby break out into a wide smile. Snagging a bowl and his favorite cereal, he settles against the counter wanting to prolong the conversation. "With Rae?"

Fiddling absently with the cap of the juice bottle, the tips of his ears turn redder, "Uhm with Jaewon hyung. I'll have to show you guys the place, it's really good and close to work." Bobby mechanically shakes some cereal into the bowl and pours milk over it. He stares at his bowl, suddenly no longer hungry. 

"Oh, that'd be nice." Bobby says after an awkward silence. 

"Well, I'm going to crash, enjoy your meal hyung." Hanbin makes his way past him, careful not to touch him.

"Night." Bobby says, staring at the morning sunlight filtering in through the window. The wrongness of it all feels surreal. He fights the sudden urge to sweep his bowl off the counter and make a mess every where. How polite he is, how formal with his fake smiles and his guarded language and his eyes that never quite meet his anymore. He doesn't seek him out anymore, he doesn't reach for him for his reassurance. It's exactly the way he wanted Hanbin to behave the entire time he was with him.

He hates every second of it.

He forces himself to eat the cereal that tastes like sawdust in his mouth.  


	7. Crazy In Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tell myself that I was doing alright  
> There's nothing left to do tonight  
> But go crazy on you  
> Crazy on you  
> Let me go crazy, crazy on you

           

  

 

Hanbin's not dumb, no matter how much he acts like an idiot to keep iKONICs entertained. He can tell Jaewon likes him. He’s not entirely sure when it started happening, but he lets him get away with way too much shit for it to be just brotherly affection. But liking someone and dating someone is a huge leap that he hasn't ever taken with anyone other than Bobby. And even then it had been slow, moving forward step by step in fits of stops and starts. He didn't want it to be something he starts just to get over the end of something else. 

So he tries to ignore it all. The not so subtle hints and leading questions from Jaewon. He buries himself in the solitude of work. The work he can trust, the work he can agonize and slave over and at the end of it all, it will be a finished piece. Not a waste of time, not something to regret. Maybe it will never see the light of day but Hanbin can hear it, a tangible completion of countless hours of toil. The work won’t ever up and leave him.

The door to his sanctuary slams open and the man himself comes barreling in. He spins Hanbin's chair around once before pouncing on him, picking him up easily and hugging him tight. 

"Dude, your'e crushing me." Jaewon eases his grip fractionally, pulling back and smiling blindingly at him. 

"What? What is it? Something good?" Hanbin asks while trying to step back and away.

"He approved it!" Hanbin finally makes the connection, "Your song? Which one?" Jaewon shakes his head.

"Our songs! And all of them! He's letting us put out a mini album, all six that we submitted will be there." Hanbin's eyes go wide and round.

"What? No way. He never approves all the tracks!" Jaewon lifts him up slightly and waltzes him around the tiny room, humming a jaunty tune. Laughing, Hanbin plays along as they fight for who leads in the dance. Eventually they wind up tripping each other and collapse in a heap on the floor, Jaewon barely catching himself with his hand before his head collides with Hanbin's face. 

"This is starting well, we almost maimed each other." Hanbin laughs, he's so happy he feels like he could burst from it all. Jaewon smiles softly, not even trying to pull away to give him his personal space back. 

"YGE would sue us both for damaging their property." He chuckles, he's so close Hanbin can feel each expel of his breath on his cheek.

"For me, naw, he'd tell me to put a bandaid on it. For damaging your pretty face though, I'd have to work the rest of my life for them to work off that debt." Hanbin reaches up to flip the bangs out of his eyes and looks at Jaewon but he's not focused on his eyes, he's staring at his lips.

"Umm...hyung?" Hanbin presses one hand to push Jaewon back but suddenly he's being kissed. Like really kissed. He's never been kissed by anyone other than Bobby. It is surprising how good it feels. His lips are firm, but gentle in the way they move against his. Slightly minty from his chapstick. He suddenly realizes Jaewon has one hand behind his neck and is pressing him closer as he continues his advance on his mouth. And when Hanbin breathes in to protest the very bad idea that this is, Jaewon slips his tongue confidently into his mouth, licking and stroking in a way that has Hanbin forgetting the whole plot. Finally they break apart for deep gulps of air and Hanbin feels his sanity return.

"Hyung..." He has no idea where to start with how stupid that was and how it can never happen again and they have so much work to do and where the hell did he learn to kiss like that and the million other thoughts zipping through his mind. Jaewon brings his hand that's been curled like a steel trap around his neck to his jaw, stroking the line, before trailing his thumb along his bottom lip. Hanbin shivers involuntarily.

"Hush. I know." He brings both his hands to cup Hanbin's face with excruciating gentleness and kisses him so chastely and sweetly one more time. He gets to his feet smoothly and bows comically down with one hand extended to help him up. Hanbin grabs it, blushing at how he stumbles to his feet. 

"Now, let's get to work." Jaewon declares with a wink. 

_____

Bobby fidgets uncomfortably as he stands in line. There's a couple in front of him, both men. He darts a glance to his mom to see if she's paying attention but she's oblivious to it all, running a pencil down her grocery list to make sure she got everything. One guy pulls their clasped hand up to his lips and kisses the back of his partner's hand.

"Yah, do that at home!" A lady from the line next to them shouts at them. They both roll their eyes at the intrusion, used to the sentiment and pull slightly away fro each other but keep holding hands. 

"So disgusting." The lady mutters at a lower but still clearly audible volume. His mom frowns faintly at the exchange. 

"It's not natural." Bobby echoes without meaning to. The couple turn to look at him, scanning him up and down, and then turn their backs to him once more laughing with each other. It pisses him off.

"You think it's funny to be a sinner?" He asks them, pissed that people like this would try to judge him. They continue to ignore him, paying for their items and leaving without so much a glance back. The cashier rings them up quickly and doesn't once make eye contact with Bobby the entire time and his mom has been deathly silent, her mouth set in a grim line. He pays feeling out of step and carries the bags while his mom stalks ahead of him to the car.

"Mom, what's wrong?" Bobby asks after he stowed the groceries in the trunk and climbed into the passenger side with his mom already at the wheel. His mom takes a deep breath, lips moving as if saying a silent prayer, before turning to him calmly.

"Bobby, I want you to explain why you said that in there." Bobby flushes, feeling like his mom somehow picked up that he's like them in some way and now is going to interrogate him til he comes clean.

"Because it is...a sin."

"Says who?"

"The pastor." 

"Our pastor has never said anything remotely like that so try again."

"That one pastor that came, when Pastor Lim was doing on his missionary trip last summer. He was very clear about it, the Bible says it's a sin." His mom agitatedly grips the wheel tight, "I knew it, I knew I should have talked to you then." She mutters more to herself than to him.

"Bobby, I could see how his sermons were...affecting you. But I didn't want to push you to talk to me about something you weren't ready to talk about."

"There's nothing to talk about, I'm not like that. Those guys are confused and if they accepted God those fags could control their filthy urges!" Bobby yells at her, panicked at the association. He hears the slap before he actually feels it. He touches his cheek to find it rapidly warming form the contact.

"I never raised you with those thoughts!" Half horrified that she slapped her son and the other half horrified at the hatred coming from his mouth.

"You show me where, show me where in the Bible it says being gay is a sin. Give me the chapter and verse! You're just going to let someone tell you what to think, how to feel, you're going to let someone interpret your relationship with God. Did I raise such an ignorant son!"

"Omma..."

"God, God is in your heart and he's in mine. And I know God could never hate someone for who they love. Church helps us have community, helps us dedicate time to devote to his worship. The Bible is a guideline of what we should practice. These are all just tools to help us maintain faith. Do you know how many different interpretations of the Bible there are Bobby? And do you think among the various translations and faiths that there is one singular right or wrong? There's not. There's only your heart, that's what you stay true to in order to stay true to God." 

Bobby's vision blurs and he realizes he's crying. "And your heart, what does your heart say about it?" he asks meekly, barely stuttering the question out. He's suddenly engulfed in the warmth of his mom's embrace, her strong hold and wet face making him cry harder.

"Oh baby, my heart? My heart hurts that my son doesn't know that I love him unconditionally. It aches that he doesn't know that his love is beautiful. I've never seen you happier than when you are with him." Bobby startles to realize that she knew, she knew this whole time about him, but she just keeps holding him. Even as he instinctively wants to protest and deny, even when he feels like he's going to vomit from all this confusion and pain. She holds him as he sobs from all the things in his heart.

_____

He looks fantastic. Smokey eye makeup with his hair slicked back, bare chested from just the over size fur coat and tight leather pants. Jaewon has to remind himself to stop eye fucking him, every time he realizes he's been staring for several minutes. 

"What's wrong hyung?" Hanbin pats him on the chest in a gesture he recognizes as his soothing technique. The concept of the video is kings of warring factions and Hanbin is filming his solo scenes first. Jaewon isn't even filming until the next day but he came to support Hanbin and to familiarize himself with how things will probably flow on his shoot.

"Nothing, you look good." He tells him confidently, straight forward in his admiration. Hanbin blushes a bit as usual and looks away. He knows Hanbin isn't ready yet, he knows all the things that Hanbin was going to say after he kissed him. So he's holding back, hasn't tried anything since that day. But damned if he's not going to use every opportunity to let him know that he likes him and wants him and whenever he's ready to get on the train, he's ready to go. Hanbin gets called to his spot to start and Jaewon finds a place where he can watch undisturbed. This is one of the things he loves to see with Hanbin. His shy awkward friend's transformation into something so fierce it still makes him quake a little in his presence. The music kicks in and like a switch, his eyes turn to lasers, commanding your attention, his body fluid and strong in his movements. Everything about him screams come worship at my feet and Jaewon would be all too happy to do so. And when he starts dancing, Jaewon fidgets against the wall he's leaning against fighting how inappropriately turned on he is but unable to tear his eyes away. At the end of the take Jaewon discreetly pulls on his oversize jacket to hide a certain problem, a besotted grin smeared all over his face, and realizes he has to get his shit together for his turn tomorrow, he's going to have step up his game. 

From the corner of his eye he catches a flash of something familiar and realizes Bobby is standing in the back corner watching as well. Jaewon isn't surprised, several members of iKON have popped in and out of their shoots and recordings to monitor and observe the proceedings. Jaewon goes to wave at him but realizes Bobby has a laser focus on Hanbin. He looks both hungry and sad at the same time. They are resetting for another take and Hanbin is gulping down water while a stylist fixes his hair and outfit that lost their perfect quality while he danced. He sees her hand tug at the waistband of his pants, skimming his stomach as she does so and Bobby's face immediately darkens, his jaw clenching sporadically. The suspicion that had been in the back of his mind for a while fleshes itself out as he watches Bobby look on. He's the one that Hanbin wrote so many songs about, the one that drove him to his studio seeking solitude in his pain. Bobby was the reason why Hanbin had a million reasons to say no to Jaewon. Bobby was going to be a problem.

 


	8. River

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've been a liar, been a thief  
> Been a lover, been a cheat  
> All my sins need holy water  
> Feel it washing over me

Bobby stares at the notepad. He's been returning to this page all week, going around in circles to find the words to redeem him. It's not going well. 

"Yo, bro!"

"Hey hyung." Bobby tries to smile back at his brother's trademark full face smile. 

"Wanna go grab a drink before dinner? The whole extended family is going to be there, we are going to need some liquid fortitude." He smacks him on his back and bounces on his bed next to him, peering curiously at what he's staring at.

"That's what you get for only visiting once a year." Bobby reminds him, pushing his shoulder into his to knock him away.

"What are you doing, another song?" Bobby scowls down at the blank page.

"Don't do that, I know Mom has told you everything, just say what you want to say." His brother sighs and flips himself onto his back.

"This used to be easier when you were more naive."

"It's ok, I know I deserve a scolding." He sits up, dragging Bobby to sit up as well.

"Bobby, the days in which I scold you on right or wrong are long gone. I'll always be your brother that knows better than you, but you're grown up now, you've got to go your own way in things, I know that. Just talk to me." Bobby fiddles with the worn bottom right corner of his paper, fanning the pages between his fingers.

"I'm trying to apologize to Hanbin. Every time I try I wind up saying and doing something stupid so I thought...if I could write it, I wouldn't mess it up."

"So what's so hard about that?"

"Because!" Bobby explodes, flailing the notebook across the room, "He has to forgive me. Like really forgive me, and...the words have to be perfect, so he can, so he will...you know. With me. He has to."

"Well, I think the first problem is you can't even say out loud what you really want."

"Hyung." Bobby whines, unbearably embarrassed.

"Bobby, your'e right, Mom did tell me everything. And, quite frankly, I don't buy it. Its not you. Do you really think that you're ready to ask Hanbin to take you back? Just because you came out to Mom, or more like Mom dragged it out if you kicking and screaming?"

"Yea, thanks, I'm a terrible person, Hanbin should never forgive me. Got it. Thanks for the talk hyung." Bobby bites back, a deep scowl settling on his face.

"Stop being such a little shit. If you were ready to really apologize to Hanbin, I'd be the first in line with the rope to help you kidnap him so he would stay still long enough for you to say what you need to say. You're my little brother, we ride or die, always. But I don't think you're ready. I think you just want him back and just want to skip all the bad things as bad memories. You can't do that, I think you need to talk to someone Bobby, even if you can't talk to me, maybe someone else, like a professional, that could help you without bias."

"You're saying I need a shrink?" Bobby gapes at him.

"I'm saying there's more to what's going on than what you told Mom, and maybe it's really important that you figure it out." 

He fidgets, unsure how to say how insulted he is that his own brother thinks he needs to see a total stranger to talk about his feelings and what more could there possibly be to talk about. He knows where he went wrong, letting the thoughts of someone else influence him. Now that he's aware of it, he won't let it happen again, it's pretty straight forward.

"What do you want from him?"

"I want to say I'm sorry and for him to forgive me."

"To what end?"

"To...so we can, so everything can go back, to the way it was." His brother shakes his head at him and Bobby winces.

"See what I mean?"

"I just...it's like I'm missing half of me hyung, like I haven't had a full breath of air since forever."

"I know kid, I know. That's why it's so important to get this right, don't ya think?"

_____

There's a bunch of tulips with red orange petals, the tips tinged in yellow, laying innocuously across his keyboard. The week before had been a single sturdy stem with two perfect white blooms of lilies. The week before a cute pot of pink chrysanthemums that Hanbin really, truly, valiantly kept alive for a week and half before it died. There's no note, like all the others. But this time the flowers are knotted together by a single shoelace string and he immediately knows who's been leaving the presents. Which was sneaky as all get out because Jaewon hadn't blinked an eye when Raesung had teased him mercilessly about the new additions to the studio.

It's cheesy and ridiculous and Hanbin smiles foolishly than blushes furiously even though no one is around to witness it. No one has ever given him flowers before. Sure they've gotten them at awards and shows, official business things, but never just for him, never for no reason, as casual as a hello or a handshake yet startlingly intimate. He sniffs the whole thing, finding a mild sweet scent, and happily darts off to the bathroom to fill the plastic cup he kept in the corner with water.

_____

"What's that for?" Jaewon asks, a knowing smirk on his face.

"What? This? Why can't I, he likes them. If some mystery person can break into his studio, than I can bring my own too."

"For Hanbin? Do you want to make him cry?"

"He doesn't like sunflowers?" Raesung clutches the stems pitifully, he thought they looked so bright and cheerful they'd be sure to cheer him up before the release of his min album. 

"I'm sure he'd really like them Raesungie, but sunflowers have too much pollen, his allergies would go crazy in the studio."

"How do you know this?" He asks, expression twisting into suspicion, his hand holding the flowers away from himself like they suddenly turned into a ticking bomb.

Jaewon chuckles at him, "Cause I'm older." Raesung glares at him for playing the hyung card, before an idea pops into his head. A new trainee had bossing him around cause he's five months older. Hanbin had told the new kid to speak respectfully to Raesung when he overheard him one day and the kid had been going around bad mouthing Hanbin ever since. The kid also had terrible allergies. Gleefully, Raesung runs off with his new plan.

_____

He watches the seconds tick by on his watch. The lady across from him primly sitting with her legs crossed, relaxed in a posture that is well used to waiting people out. Bobby thinks this is a giant waste of time.

_____

All the energy and adrenaline from the performance leaves his body and he's bone deep tired. It's been five minutes and they've only crawled an inch forward in the van, the fans preventing them from leaving the venue. Sometimes Jaewon wonders what more they want. He's given them everything he has, every note, every word, agonized and sweated over. The performance perfected so the whole thing goes off as effortless and fun. His stage is done. Why do they still ask for more? Hanbin is curled up next to him in the back, every bang of someone's fists on the windows of the van causing him to settle deeper into the depths of his oversize hoodie. 

They should feel happy, they should feel triumphant. They had a great response from listeners and their debut performance had been amazing. It makes Jaewon realize how much he missed having someone else to play off of, a chemistry and atmosphere that can't be created as a solo. Instead they are trapped in a van looking at a never ending trip back home.

Another loud bang and Hanbin makes a slight noise of discomfort. Jaewon pulls him by the arm so he's tucked in right next to him, throwing his arm around his shoulder. 

"They can see." Hanbin struggles to pull free, watching briefly as a fan presses her entire face right against the window. The windows are tinted but they aren't blackout, and that close anyone can see.

"I don't care." He says firmly, pulling Hanbin back and tucking his head into his shoulder so he doesn't have to see the chaos the fans are causing outside. He curls his other hand around his neck, letting his fingers pet gently in the short hairs at the back of his neck. Hanbin immediately melts and relaxes bodily into him. 

"You shouldn't care about these things either. You only owe them so much Hanbin." Another loud bang and Jaewon glares at the girl that seems intent on breaking through the window.

"I think they disagree with you." He mumbles into his neck. The feel of his breath and lips brushing against his skin as he speaks soothes the flare of annoyance at the outside world.

"Well they don't get a say." Jaewon says decisively, pressing a kiss on his forehead, his skin warm and smelling vaguely of sweat and a powdery sweetness. Hanbin doesn't flinch or tense up at the kiss. And after several long minutes, Jaewon swears he feels the ghost of tentative lips pressing lightly on his neck.

_____

"Was that your first time meeting a gay couple?" He scoffs at the stupid woman.

"Are you kidding me? You can't swing a stick in kpop without finding someone who's gay." He sneers at her.

"And do you react the same way to them." Bobby huffs and crosses his arms.

"Of course not, it's none of my business." 

"Then why did they bother you?"

"They were being annoying!"

"What about them was annoying?" He stands up pacing the small confines of the office, while the lady sits with her unflappable cool.

"They just were, they were acting so boldly like, you can't just act like that." 

"So you were angry that they could act in a way that you can't?" 

"No, I wouldn't want to act like that."

"Like what?"

"Like, like that! Like them. This old dude was all over this kid, like you can't just do things like that."

"How much older?"

"What?'

"How much older was the 'old dude'?"

"What does that matter?"

"You mentioned it, I'm just curious."

"I don't know, he looked like ten years older or something." He stops pacing and sits back down, confused as to where the conversation was going.

"And does this age difference bother you?" 

"Ummm...no. Why would it? It just didn't seem right."

"Not right in what way?"

"I dunno, like...like maybe he was taking advantage?" He startles himself with those words. He didn't know them, he had no idea what their relationship was like.

"That's time then." Bobby blinks down at his watch in surprise at how fast the hour went by. 

"I'll see you next week then?" 

"Uhh, yeah, ok."

"Good." She gives him a slight smile, standing to see him to the door. She's calm and collected while Bobby feels like a tornado was just set loose on his insides. Shrinks were the worst.


End file.
